DO MEN REALLY CHEAT OR THE AGE OLD QUESITONS, WHY DO MEN "CHEAT"?
An essay
I decided to write this essay on the subject of men cheating in defense of men. I’m not taking the side of the men because I am a man. I honestly hope to shed new light on male prowess sexual behavior; a subject that was born the day men and women fell in love. In my writings and in my one on one consultation, I don’t pretend to wear rose colored glasses. I call the way I see it. If you are looking to hear what you want to hear as opposed to what you need to hear, this essay is not for you.
This essay is based on generalities; generalities exist for a reason. Generally speaking people fit into categories. I acknowledge that there are exceptions to the rule. And yes, there are women who are unfaithful, but generally speaking, when the topic of “cheating” is under discussion – we are referring to men. Women who do “cheat” are generally looking for an emotional connection rather than a physical one. They prefer a single partner versus having multiple sex partners. By contrast, generally speaking, men are looking for a physical connection and would feel comfortable with more than one sexual partner if that were an option.
For years I’ve listened to society, the media outlets, and women describe male non- monogamous behavior as “cheating.” At the core of men’s sexual need there is something about calling men “cheaters” that just never rang true to me. It just didn’t make sense to me that if men have a very strong biological urge to desire as many women why is that bad? I questioned - do men really “cheat” as defined by our society or are men behaving as men do? Are women overreacting? Is the concept of “cheating” exaggerated and exploited by the media as a ploy to get television ratings, as seen on such shows as Entertainment Tonight, The Insider, the Maury, Dr. Phil and Oprah? Or are men’s indiscretions used to sell magazines and newspapers such as the classics the National Inquirer, the New York Post, People, and Star: even online gossip driven web sites like PerezHilton.com or TMZ.com exploit “cheaters” for a bigger piece of the internet audience.
The discussion of “cheating” has become so popular and common over the past few decades that we as a society feel exceedingly comfortable classifying men in such gender bias categories as, “Men are cheaters”, “Men are dogs” (that one is a little harsh), “Men can’t be trusted”, “All men think about is sex” and my favorite “Once a cheater always a cheater”. Inevitably, in the beginning of a relationship a woman will ask her new paramour the proverbial questions: Have you every cheated? Do you cheat? What do you think about people who cheat?
There are two interpretations of cheating; one is literal and the other is subjective. The literal definition according to the American Heritage Dictionary – is cheat’er n - someone who leads you to believe something that is not. The other definition that we as a society throw around loosely is - cheat’er n a man (or woman) who has sex with another person, kisses another person, only goes on a date, flirts, chats online, and in some cases even looking at other person while in a relationship is considered a cheater. In some relationships you don’t have to be committed, but one who engages in one or all of the above certainly will be classified as a “cheater”. However these are two completely different interpretations of the word.
If we use the American Heritage Dictionary definition, have men lead women to believe they are something they are not? From the time a girl takes an interest in a boy she is generally taught a variation of the three following statements about boys. 1. All boys will want from you is sex 2. Boys can’t be trusted and 3. Boys are cheaters. They are also taught not to have sex or kiss on the first date because he won’t respect you, you don’t want to appear easy or other reasons. Parents caution their daughters as a form of protection, because they know boys will be boys. Besides, male’s sexual behavior is every where in the media and in our social consciousness. What female over the age of 16 years old hasn’t heard or isn’t aware of the male sexual drive? Not many. Thus according to American Heritage Dictionary - cheat’er n - someone who leads you to believe something that is not. Have males, or society’s opinion of male’s sexual drive lead women to believe they are something they are not? By telling your daughter not to kiss on the first date, you are in fact acknowledging males sexual needs and behavioral patterns. Now the daughter is being taught the same.
I believe the titles and/or name calling such as “Men are Dogs” “Once a Cheat always a cheater” etc are design to either insult and belittle men, or somehow resolve the age old question, “Why do men cheat?” The truth of the matter, is such commentary and conversation don’t resolve much of anything, but rather only put men on the defensive and widen the gap between the sexes even more. These titles make it all too common for a woman to live in fear and make her subconsciously suspicious that her man is eyeing another playmate, whether that is true are not. The answer is not in the name calling, but rather learning accepting how men think, feel, and behave.
The underlying effect on men is to be defensive. And as most men think, their only line of defense is to be dishonest. When she confronted him with the words, do you cheat? Would you ever cheat and have you ever cheated? He answers out of fear of her rejection of him with a simple “No”. Then he wonders which is worse, to deceive himself about his true biological need or lie to the woman he loves or cares about, which she ironically demands that the relationship be based on honesty. By simply asking do you “cheat” she is not being honest herself, but rather challenging her man’s integrity with a double edged sword type of question, much the same way she asks “Do I look fat in these jeans?” She doesn’t want an honest answer - she wants to hear the answer that suits her insecurity which is a big no you don’t look fat in those jeans and no I wouldn’t think of cheating. Having her insecurity temporarily patched she is satisfied.
To keep the peace and to move the relationship forward a man makes-believe and convinces his woman that she will be his only sexual partner for the life of that relationship. Even worst is his disloyalty to himself according to American heritage dictionary of a cheater - someone who leads you to believe something that is not. He leads himself to believe he is something that he is not – which is a man with a single sexual desire for one woman – his wife / girl-friend. This might be true in the first six months of their relationship. After that his needs are stronger than his words, the truth inevitably reveals itself, and he finds a way to have his biological needs meet. He visits strip clubs, reads adult magazines, and books, spends money on hookers, has an extra-martial affairs, downloads pornography or lives out his fantasies in his head while making love. As much as we like to pretend his ancestral lineage will not let men repress their sexual need; neither will vows, a promise or a committed relationship. As a society we would like to believe the “I do” at the altar or the birth of your first child changes man’s instinctual need; this unqualified truth has caused many hearts to be broken.
How many times have we heard, “How could you do that to me” “I thought you loved me” “We are married and have a family” or “You cheated on me… I’m leaving you and you’ll never see your kids again” “Our trust is ruined… I trusted you I can never trust you again”. I’m not doing these quotes the justice they deserve, because if you’ve use one of these quotes or heard similar words. You know that behind those words is a lot of pain and sadness. I sometimes watch the Maury show when they do a segment with the lie detector and the women are accusing the men of “cheating.” As daytime talk shows would have it, the men are usually guilty of adultery or being unfaithful to a devoted girlfriend; thus the need for the lie detector to prove her suspicion. When the results come back from the lie detector test it shows that the man has indeed “cheated.” Even though Maury, like The Springer Show, isn’t the most sophisticated I see the same hurt and devastation on the faces of the guests on Dr. Phil or Oprah. Despite what show it is women are truly crushed because they were taught false beliefs about themselves and men’s sexual needs. This is one of the fundamental reasons young, sexually active teens should be taught the truth about the opposite sex, sexuality, and emotional needs, so that as adults they don’t live a fool’s life. Basically, females should be taught that after sex, males want to move on to their next task. Males should be taught female will want to cuddle afterwards. Of course the debates said if he really cared about her he would cuddle. The opposing side said if she really cares she should let him leave, sleep, or watch TV.
Among the top ten reasons for a man not to want to get married, is his concern that he is obligated and is expected to be faithful to only one woman for the rest of his life. For a man this a very frightening thought and for a younger man this is unimaginable. The rest of your life is an eternity. Even though he makes it to the altar and marries his beautiful bride, quite often the young groom does his best to consider monogamy an option. His impetuous instincts tell him his sexual urges are his rite of passage into manhood. It doesn’t take long before he is looking. It shouldn’t even be asked of a young man under 25 years old to be faithful, in a committed relationship and certainly he should not marry. With older men time and a lack of opportunity are his watch dog.
A man’s apprehension about marriage has nothing to do with his bride who probably the most amazing women or his ability to commit. The ideal that there are so many women in the world and he is going to have sex with one of them for the rest of his life is a major concern that is rarely spoken and is scorn from conversation; unless it discussed exclusively in the presents of men. It would be comparable to asking a woman to walk into her favorite shoe store and pick out any shoe she likes regardless of shape, style, color, brand, and cost. The only catch is this will have to wear these shoes for the rest of her life and for every occasion: work, the gym, the beach, dancing, yoga, dating etc. I am certain that the thought of one shoe for the rest of a women’s life is very unappealing. That idea is inconceivable to her as the ideal of one woman per life time is inconceivable to men.
This is not to say a man can’t literally live without having sex with one woman for the rest of his life and I am certain a woman can live with only one pair of shoes for eternally if need be. Nor am I saying that you can’t have great sex with the partner after being together for many years. In fact, I believe the best sex is with the woman you love the most; nevertheless, his need to desire other women for the rest of his life remains. Men are only following their biological needs that they inherited from their father’s who get it from their fathers etc. The driving sexual need of your man is no different from your father, brother, nephew, uncle, and your grand father.
We often hear women speak of men who cheat as “they” or “them” or “he” not accepting or acknowledging that the man she loves as one of “them, they or he” or even their father as one of “them, they or he.” There are women who had been “cheated” on that looks at her girl friends man who on appearance seem to only have eyes for her or as at least according to her girl-friend. Or she sees a distinguished gentleman as one of those guys who doesn’t “cheat.” She dreams of an imaginary place where men are born only to desire one woman per relationship and the thought of being with another woman repulses him. Hence, she said I’m not settling - I’ll wait for my Mr. Right.
Some women wish their man could as loyal as “them, they or he.” The truth of the matter, men world wide shares the same instinctual impulses. It’s not her man or your man – it’s all men. Nor can men be categorized by age, ethnicity, income, race or location as “them, they or he”. Consider this - if men worldwide would go on strike for a month and stop supporting the adult entertainment business. Such as pornographic web sites, strip clubs, x rated DVD’s, magazines, paraphernalia and prostitution. These adult businesses would be bankrupted because sex is a need for men. Men will find an outlet for sex in some form of adult entertainment/activity. Men all over the world have the exact same need. It’s not “them, they or he” its all men. If desiring sex is man’s natural behavior all over the world then why are men browbeaten for being men?
I think we all would agree generally speaking men are more sexual and sexually drive then women. On the other hand women are much more emotional than men. It is only the exception that a man would watch the movie Terms of Endearment or Pretty Woman and cry a river of tears. Unlike women men don’t wear their emotions on their sleeves. Just as sex is a need for a man, emotions or being emotional equally is a need for women. Rarely do men ask women to cheat themselves as defined by American Heritage Dictionary - cheat’er n - someone who leads you to believe something that is not. Women don’t hide or mislead men or society to believe she is something that is not. Every guy in the world over the age of 12 and maybe even younger knows females are emotional. We see in the movies, we experience it with our mothers, sisters and in our relationship. A woman has no qualms about making it perfectly clear that she is an emotional being and that’s the way it is without compromise. She exercises her emotional states as God given right. When she needs to cry she does. When she needs a hug she asks. When she feels sad she indulges her sadness. Being emotional is just what she does. Furthermore, there is an expectation that is understood by women and men alike, that when a woman is in a high emotional state she expects her man or men in her company to show some compassion. If she is having a bad day at work she feels perfectly justified leaving early and returning when she feels better. If she isn’t in the mood for sleep rather than sex, her guy better call it a night.
As much as men aren’t big fans of tears or crying, they deal with it as that’s just the way women are. When she is crying, for example, he might roll his eyes or huff and puff, but he does what he can to rebalance her emotional state in the form of listening, hugs or a voice of reason… baby it is going to be ok…. You’ll get through this. Anything less than compassion the man is considered an insensitive so and so… expletive, expletive, expletive. If he attempts to reason her emotions away – she expresses - I’m a girl and girls cry or I just need you to listen.
I’ve asked women if it were possible – would you give up your need to be emotional if your men gave up his need to “cheat”? Unequivocally every woman said, “No, absolutely not” – they felt they needed and wanted to be emotional. I was once told by a woman that she liked being emotional and that she needed to be emotional. I’ve heard women say they need to cry. They need a hug. I’ve never ever heard a guy say he needed a hug or he needed to cry. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized that my mother can cry on cue. The littlest things get her teary eyed. If she is reading this paragraph right now she’s crying. A woman’s need to be emotional is greater than her need for a faithful companion.
I understand the emotional frustration women have with men and infidelity. No woman wants to see her man with another woman. Nor does she want to be compared to another woman’s body or sexual performance; who does? She also becomes discourage after she commits to being his everything sexual partner, giving him as much sex as he wants, dressing sexy and even role playing to keep his attention. He still has rooming eyes. Her confusion leads to her questioning her own self worth – Why am I not good enough. What do other women have that I don’t? Why does he need to have sex with other women, when he can have me? Or why does he need to look another woman? These are valid questions, which lead her to seek therapy or to read self help books.
The simple two part answers to those questions are – 1. Men have a biological need to see, touch, feel and experience other women it’s just the way it is. 2. A woman’s logic tells her that if she can resist wanting sex or wanting another man, then why can’t he - because he can’t.
It is easy for a woman to say to a man stop “cheating” because she doesn’t have the same biological need. Women control their sexual urges as men control their emotional urges. It would be easy for men to tell women to stop being so emotional because men don’t have a strong need to be emotional. A woman would never tell a man stop eating food. Eating food is a need both sexes share. Needing sex and needing to be emotional are two needs male and females don’t share equally.
If complaining about women’s emotional needs made for high television rating or water cooler conversation we would see more of it. Show themes such as “Does your woman cry during a movie or during PMS?” “Is your woman requesting to be held, because she feels the need?” “Should you buy a quart of ice cream because your woman is not having a good day?” These topics don’t make great headlines or lead-in stories for a talk show or great gossip. One of the reasons is that we as a society accept that women are being emotional. By contrast the topic on men cheating makes for a great story because anytime someone behaves outside of what is normal it becomes an interesting topic.
Recently the NY Yankee star Alex Rodriguez was seen out with a woman other than his wife. The press is having a field day and the New York Post headline read “Stray Rod – Alex hits strip club with mystery blonde”. We want to believe that because he is married – he is happy – if he is happy he is normal, therefore oh my god he is with another woman, oh how can that be. Maybe A-Rod and his wife aren’t having sex. Maybe his wife doesn’t want to have sex because she too tired or no longer attracted. Maybe there is too much emotional resentment they barely speak. We don’t know and the maybes are endless; nonetheless A-Rod, like a lot of men and public male figures is only following his basic instinct. The irony is that we all have troubled relationships; I’m sure some of the reporters and photographers that covered that story are in sexless marriages.
If and when a woman is in a high emotional state, her man has to be patient and does his best to support her back to being in balance. Sometime this takes hours, sometimes days. We all know that women can hold on to an undesirable event from the past and conjure up that emotion to support her argument today or to topple her man. Then he still has to find a way to bring her back to an emotionally balanced state.
Is it right that a woman doesn’t have to take responsibility for her emotional states? If she feels the need to cry should she and make her man the go-to guy to rebalance her even want he is not in the mood. Shouldn’t she wait for a better opportunity to cry vs. during the final quarter of the championship game? When she wants to cuddle – just because the movie ended on a sad note or cuddle after sex because that’s what she wants and he doesn’t? His need is to leave and when he does he is a jerk. Why are men punished for not being on stand by for her emotional ups and downs?
She said just because – because you should love your significant other through the thick and thin of it. If a person is raised by parents who aren’t the greatest role models, parents who didn’t give there daughter the necessary tools to feel confident and walk with high self esteem. Then why is it the men she loves responsibility to build her esteem self up and then be criticized for his honesty. When she ask do I look fat in these jeans? 1) There is only one answer – No. 2) Why is he put in the position to make her feel better by lying? Isn’t the way we feel about ourselves own responsibility? Isn’t that a form of emotional abuse to make them say something they really don’t feel? If he said yes you look pretty fat in those jeans, we all knows what happens? She’s not going to say thank you honey for being honest. It’s a loaded question to make her feel good about herself and he is the biggest ass-hole man of all time. I’m not saying that men shouldn’t be supportive and be there for their women. It’s just not fair of a woman to ask a men not to follow his biological need for sex, in other words to tell a man not to be a “cheater”; when on the other hand she is given carte blanche to pander to her most important need of being emotional. When she does it is without any apology, regret or compromise. Why is it ok for women to fulfill her emotional need and not men? Like a man it is her genetic code that dictates her needs.
Some would argue that being emotional is different from having sex with another person while you are in a relationship. I would argue that yes they are two different acts, but the point isn’t about the act – it’s about males and females meeting their biological needs. Neither sex can say that their need is better or more legitimate than the other. Neither can ask the other to surrender their needs that make men, men and women, women, for the sake of feeling better about them.
All is not lost. There are some basic reasons why a man won’t follow through on his sexual impulses to “cheat.” 1. If he cares about his wife / girl-friend enough that if he “cheats” and she finds out he knows it will really hurt her and he can’t handle her emotional pain – so guilt is his guide. 2. If he gets caught “cheating” he has too much to lose – reputation, money or career – lost is his guide 3. He doesn’t want to “cheat” because his girl is so amazing she fulfills his every sexual need (highly unlikely) – then satisfaction is his guide. So basically it come down to what Chris Rock said, “Men are only as faithful as their options”.
This ends the way it began, do men really cheat or are men just following their basic ancestral lineage to desire women?
By Anthony Miner
www.anthonyminer.com © 2008
